Tonight, I am balancing between a lot of different feelings. Or maybe balancing is too optimistic a word, but for now let's leave it there; it's what I would like to think.
-I finished the Greek parable I should have done for Friday. Grammar books are frustrating.
-I am exhausted, body and brain. So what is new?
-It would have been intelligent to start my paper, but the hours shrunk away into the darkness and my bed is calling me.
-I wish I could bestow life with my words. I wish they were grace.
Today, every day, living on this earth is a thing that is sharp and it is sweetness and it is bitter, it is long and far too short all at the same time; God is rough and He has faithful hands; I want to beg Him for things, but I have enough thanksgivings that I could be busy saying them for ever.
-Singing in choir today filled my soul and body with vigor, and I was satisfied.
-Maria, Becki and I ate milk-duds and laughed at near-nothings as we hadn't done in weeks.
-My weekend was beautiful. The need for rest is, indeed, the pulley that turns us back.
-The sky broke open and spilled thousands of small wet pieces like diamonds, or paper clippings, all over my town. My feet got wet. My car is stuck. But my hair wore those diamonds, and my sister and I snowballed each other on the way to the car, and the hills are gloriously smooth and pale, fading into the white sky at the horizon.
Yet every week, all of the time, I am pulled in so many directions and am so inadequate. Between readings and quizzes due for classes, and studying for finals fast approaching, and seriously working at resumes and job applications for summer work, between the work I have now, and headaches and letters to respond to and choir and car breakdowns and desperately wanting to sleep for ever, between realizing I don't read my Bible enough and trying to finagle CRF meetings or coffee-with-friend-dates into my schedule, and never picking up a newspaper or getting involved with the rest of my community... I'm not really sure what I should do when I get an hour, or half an hour, or 5 minutes in which to do something. It is, frankly, sometimes more than I feel like applying myself to. But I want to be able to do things.
-I want to be diligent, industrious, focused, and do well in my studies.
-I want to branch out, to learn, devour and plan a future, to be taken by the glories of the wide world that stands pulsing with possibilities at my door.
-And mostly, this week, I want to be with my friends who just lost their baby. I want her fear and pain, their sorrow and confusion, to be taken away, to be healed. I want to live with comfort in my hands and my presence, living like the Spirit teaches.
I cannot truly balance these things. And so I lift my eyes to the hills again.
"Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God." Psalm 42:11