tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364929118927081870.post7446892483323750243..comments2024-03-03T20:00:29.209-08:00Comments on Dragonflies and Kingfishers: fairly recent writingsBobbi Martenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04286760331385148662noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364929118927081870.post-15270816580021415512011-12-14T15:33:42.550-08:002011-12-14T15:33:42.550-08:00Thanks for the suggestions. I do think those 2 lin...Thanks for the suggestions. I do think those 2 lines need some work, and will see what I can come up with. <br /><br />And, hopefully. We'll see.Bobbi Martenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04286760331385148662noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364929118927081870.post-15561802395738220402011-12-14T11:20:45.840-08:002011-12-14T11:20:45.840-08:00First off, I love them both, Rain-Washed especiall...First off, I love them both, Rain-Washed especially. It gives me that same exquisite pain that I feel when I see my niece smile over her shoulder the way that Holly did.<br /><br />However:<br /><br />"has slowly replaced my wonder with apathy,<br />has covered and blurred the magic to commonplace."<br /><br />I think these lines could be tightened without losing the meaning (which is essential: the truth and goodness are desolately penitent with a resurrection to follow). The alliteration in the others is lovely, and if you are trying to draw attention to these by making the lines seem different, it works, but with less lovely a lilt than the lines before and after. Perhaps some form of "substitute" instead of "replaced" and (of course) re-order the line? <br /><br />Then there's the non-issue of the repetition of "and" that for some reason, perhaps because it's a conjunction, has a more jarring feel than the same repetition of "has" in the previous stanza.<br /><br />Then "commonplace" also seems to hang out on the end, like a board too long for the bed of a pickup. It isn't tied to the rest of the poem, which again does draw attention, but I'm not sure if that's what you're looking for. But these are extremely minor things; flaws more imputed than encountered.<br /><br />I have a line that I think you'd appreciate, though there's no poem to put it in. "Soft as forgiveness falls the snow..."<br /><br />Thank you for sharing them. Are you ever going to make a collection of your poetry available?J. A. Broussardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09389505545740155291noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364929118927081870.post-58206324850825958592011-12-14T07:59:18.644-08:002011-12-14T07:59:18.644-08:00I love Rain-Washed, Bobbi. I have felt the exact s...I love Rain-Washed, Bobbi. I have felt the exact same way on many an occasion.Josiah Truaxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01868539095349911021noreply@blogger.com